But I wish it was.
I just want to get away. I want to crawl in a hole. I want to never come out.
I'm going to go try to chill.
Other than feeling like shit, I guess I'm somewhat content, finals are over. Tomorrow is a free day, a carnival day. Moon bounce and dunk tank and movies. Maybe I'll go. But not without a big baggy t-shirt to hide in so that no one sees me ever.
I don't like finals week. The days go by faster than they should. And maybe that's a good thing, because in the end, I want it to be summer. I want to be at the side of a pool with my feet in the water smelling the chemicals, going down into the water and opening my eyes and seeing a clear view of the rest of the water. I want to be in my spot by the train tracks and I want to have a root beer flavored slushy in one hand and a pen in the other and a sketchpad in my lap. And I want to nap in a field with "Semi-Charmed Life" blaring out of my earphones and just be in utter peace until
Tonight the International Space Station will be flying overhead. I'm going to see it. I'm going to head to the park with a flashlight around 9:30 and I will see the big orange flare through the sky.
And I have 125 cranes. And I'm working on 126.
And today was a good day.
I spent the morning sleeping in, followed by a bike ride to my spot by the train tracks where I drew, but spent more time soaking in the sun than anything.
And later was a Penguins game, where the fabulous team won a good 6-0. Stanley Cup, anyone?
And then a birthday party for my 6 year old cousin. I love little kids, probably because I get along with them so much better than kids my own age. It probably has something to do with the fact that they're so care-free, and I love that. Considering the fact that I'm the kind of girl that blows bubbles at the bus stop, it's not too hard to figure out why I'd rather play tag than talk about "blah blah blah high school" like everyone else my age.
I wonder if I'm a kid at heart or just weird. Maybe both.
I forgot to type an entry yesterday. I was busy, talking to somebody who I'd waited all week to talk to. And I told him how much it hurts that it's not October and he said that he knows and to just enjoy life but I do that anyways and my heart still
But you know what? I think I can handle it, 364 days without him, 364 days on my own, being a strong little girl. As long as I have that one day where I can just be with him. I don't care what he does the rest of the year, I don't care what I do the rest of the year. I just want that one day, and I'm willing to wait 5 months for it.
Other than moping a
bit yesterday night, I've been fine. I went to Care & Share today,
it's like a flea market/thrift store. And I got an Einstein puppet
because it's silly, and I got a bunch of jewelry, too. One of these days, when my camera's working, I'm going to have to share the glory that is Einstein puppet. Anyways, then I ended
up chilling on the swingset for an hour. I can last on a swingset for a
long time, it's where I go to think. And it's a nice place, in general.
And the little kids were running on the stage with their little games.
And I like to pretend that
School yesterday was average. And I was called a whore. Which is a silly thing to call a girl who hasn't had a boyfriend since December. Or who hasn't made out in a good two years. And then she (not me, the girl who called me a whore) ended up getting caught having sex in the auditorium booth during the assembly. They left a stain on the couch. That, darling, is what a whore is. She couldn't wait the 5 hours until school was out to fuck? Goddamn, compared to my 5 months for a kiss thing, I must be the most patient and dedicated goddamn girl in the school.
Which, really, when you think about it, is not a good thing for the school.
And today all my senses worked with me. And I was at the park, and a band was playing. I listened hard, and they were playing well and amassing an ever-so-slowly growing crowd. They were singing religious songs, and, even though I'm not religious, I stayed and listened.
And
I stayed on the swingset and when I swang back I went upside down and
came back up. And I felt dizzy, like beetles in my lungs. Tickling me
from the inside. In a
I deleted most of yesterdays entry. I do not feel like that anymore. I regret what I said. It's not
that I was malicious, I wasn't. I just misdirected rage.
Science class was nonexistant. We went on a "field-trip" to a sewage treatment center. And it smelled like shit and urine and rotting and I didn't like it, except for when we walked to the river where the treated water met the river and I sat on a rock and I just wanted to sit there forever. And there were fish in the river and they'd jump, but you'd never see the fish themselves. Only the bubbles they made after they hit the water again. And the river was brown, except where the clear water met it and there it swirled together. And it was so pretty and I wished I had a camera so I could take that picture of the clear, clean water meeting the stale, sick water. It was beauteous.
That's a thesaurus word. "Beauteous." I looked up that word just to describe the water, and that's how beauteous it was.
Along with all this, I still felt a bit sad. I have been as of late. And that's
And that is how I feel today and all I feel like writing.
PS: As of now, 8:33:03 PM, I am watching the Penguins game. And it's 3-0 and the flyers are winning and I want to be in Pittsburgh on Saturday so bad and not only because I want to be there when the Pens win but I want to be there because of where it is, as well.
I've never, and am not currently...ugh.
And to put a cherry on this basket-cake (punny,) I have a fucking stomachaceh.
Dropping pennies didn't do SHIT for my karma.
djfakdlsjflkdsjflkdjslakjdfljdlkj <- me.
Typing is easier than handwriting, isn't it? Maybe I should consider typing rather than ever taking a pen to paer. It'd be much easier. Maybe I should.
There are lots of things people should do. They don't.
I don't feel well. My head hurts. There are elephants, prancing through my sinuses, up and down my nose, around my jaw, and into my brain, where they're throwing a magnificent festival, all at the expense of my health and sanity. And standing up scares the elephants and makes it hurt so much worse. I don't like this. And I don't like being sick.
I really have a science test I'm going to have to make up tomorrow. It's a state assessment type. It's to make sure I'm not a stupid shit. I'm pretty sure I'm not a stupid shit. Oblivious, yes. But not stupid. There's a difference and I know it
They say pennies are good luck if you find them on the ground. I might consider taking a bunch of pennies around town today and just dropping them if I'm feeling better later. Just walk around with a coin purse and ching, ching, ching, the sound of pennies hitting the asphalt. Ching, ching, ching. And little boys and girls will find them and feel lucky and maybe I'll brighten someone's day even though mine is so cruddy right now. Ching, ching, ching. And tomorrow I'll drop pennies through the halls of the high school, and people will find them and feel luck and maybe I'll brighten their days, too. And maybe all this karma will make the elephants stop their partying and I won't have to crawl in a ditch anymore.
I made three cranes today. My total is 106, then. 894 left. I doubt I'll even get to 1,000, but I'm still trying. Maybe I'll be lucky forever, too. Pennies and cranes everywhere, for everyone. And everyone goes to luck heaven forever and I'll be stuck on earth forever with the elephants jousting in my mind. I think I can deal with that, in the end.
on Elevatorloveletter